[Raleigh drops his chin to rest on her shoulder, still looking at her, but tenser now than he was a few moments ago. At least he was right, she's not a fly. She's a Ranger, or trying to be and wasn't that program ending? He's heard rumors about the Shatterdomes around the Pacific being shut down, and anyone with eyes can see the wall being put up along the coast.
Still. Good for her, he guesses. What else is he supposed to say? It's a hell of a ride until you lose half your soul and this is where you end up.]
[ She tenses his tension a heartbeat before she feels it, because she imagines this is the last thing they ought to talk about at a time like this, when they're both aware that he's her first and she'd literally paid him to take it.
Mako doesn't know what to make of it, decides that it doesn't matter when the fate of the world hangs in the balance, because there's no one else like Raleigh, no one else who could jockey the way he did -- mainly because the others were all dead, but still, he had been the only one to pilot a jaeger solo.
She exhales, choosing her words carefully as she meets his eyes. ] I'm here to ask you to return to the programme. [ A beat of silence, then. ] This... hadn't been a part of the plan.
[Raleigh's tense all over before she's finished speaking, like he sees it coming and he doesn't like it. It's nice to know that she didn't come here with the intent of seducing him back into the program but that leaves the real sticking point-- that she wants him to come back to the corps and no.
No, he's not going to do that.
He pulls away from her a moment later, the sheets fall to settle by his hips when he sits up and part of him is screaming at him to get up and leave right now, just end this right now but he's not a coward. He doesn't run, didn't even run from the Jaeger program, despite what it seemed like. He's not running from his mistakes, he's living with them the best way he knows how.]
... you won't be going back totally empty handed at least.
[It's a bad joke but he's just not letting someone else in his head again.]
[ Mako doesn't smile at that, when she watches him --regrettably -- pulling away from her; and he's entirely, undeniably gorgeous, the lines of his body hypnotic when he moves, innately graceful but strong and not like a panther. A part of her itches to touch him again, to pull him back into her and make him forget they ever spoke, but no -- not like this.
Her fingers tighten briefly on the sheets, but she sits up with him, too, holding up the sheet to her chest for a measure of decency even if he's seen it all, and had done much more. She's going to lose him if she doesn't say anything, and so she does: ]
We need you. You know what's happening to the PPDC -- do you really think the Wall will hold up against any one of them?
[He's not stupid. Of course that Wall isn't going to stand up against a kaiju. The monsters are capable of tearing apart cities and the Jaegers built to protect them, he knows that first hand, a wall isn't going to slow them down for very long.]
My brother was still in my head when he died. I can't do that again.
[He doesn't say that she's the first person since Yancy died that he's felt any sort of connection to, any kind of spark when she touched him, that if he had to find another co-pilot, he knows he wouldn't have to look very far.]
[ He doesn't say it, but she knows it -- she knows what she feels and she knows what he's thinking. Mako might not truly understand the depth of his grief, but she respects it, she's seen the consequences of it; Raleigh turning tricks for those jaegerflies who want a good time. ]
Then you know that we're all, at best, going to die. [ Mako says plainly, because the world is going to come to an end and no amount of sugarcoating can make that truth any sweeter. ] It's just a matter of time.
[ She reaches out, puts a hand in his to get him to look at her. ] You felt it too, didn't you?
[Maybe it's taken too long for that to happen already, and he's had enough of waiting to die. Because Raleigh can't do himself in, no matter how miserable he is but he can and has been waiting for it to happen in one way or another. It's exhausting, so draining waiting for it to end.
She gets her wish and he looks at her when she reaches for his hand, even if he doesn't grab her hand back, not just yet. He's hesitating, does she really know what she's asking of him. What she's more or less volunteering herself for.]
If it had gone according to plan, [and they hadn't had this, this glimmer of a connection. He gets why sex isn't considered an official way to test compatibility but it works the same as the kwoon or dancing]
Ordered you around. Ask if you'd rather die here than in your jaeger. [ Mako gives him a thin smile; she'd considered that outcome, had even calculated Raleigh's reaction over and over, in many different configurations and scenarios, and somehow, none of them panned out. ] Although the Marshal would be better at convincing you using that method.
[ But Raleigh looks uncertain and she understands, even flush with the wonder of their connection -- and really, testing for compatibility via sex isn't going to work if you're related, or something. ]
[Since he's not really a Ranger anymore, and what's the point of trying to be formal after what they did tonight. That's right, there isn't any. Not when he has the memory of of her moans in his ears and the ghost of her skin against his and his heart is reaching for her, singing her name over and over, this one this one, we want this one.]
[ And Mako can't help but shift under the new intensity of feelings, the pull of him and the way he makes her feel, and she's sure it's not the post-coitus haze talking. She pauses at his words, shaking her head because it matters. He matters. He's the one, and she's never known this feeling so deep and so true.
It's like she's found a piece of herself tonight, one she didn't know that she'd lost. ]
[If she'd asked him anything but that-- he probably would've said yes. Yes, yes whatever she wants except for that. Raleigh can't pilot again, he's not physically or mentally ready for it, still lost in his grief over his brother and too cautious now to want to risk losing a second co-pilot. He's self aware enough to know-- he's never going to walk away from something like that.
And really, he knows who his co-pilot would be, she's sharing the bed with him right now, and that's even less reason to do it. They could be really something together but that would mean exposing her to all of the shit that he's done and she deserves better than that.
She deserves better than him, a washed up Ranger selling himself for food, slowly scraping away the tatters of his dignity until he doesn't even remember how to spell the world.]
... I won't. I'm sorry but I'm not going to do that.
[ He doesn't get to tell her what she does and doesn't deserve -- Mako would've told him as much if she knows what he's thinking, but perhaps it's critical, when she knows he deserves better than this, than selling himself night after night just because he thought destroying himself would be a better alternative to this.
There's a flicker of disappointment when he refuses her, and a profound sort of sadness but not pity; but Mako doesn't want to let him slip through her fingers. Out of billions of people in the world, she thinks, she's finally found someone who could fit with her, physically and mentally, someone that -- in the expanse of a little more than an hour -- had made her feel things she hadn't ever felt before, physically and mentally.
How could she let someone like him walk away? ]
Why? [ She knows, of course -- but she wants to hear him say it. ]
[Raleigh just shakes his head at her. She knows why because he already told her. He can still hear Yancy's scream, feel his fear and his pain and the crushing silence that followed, it wasn't just that Yancy was torn out of the pons, it was that he was gone forever, Raleigh could just tell.
He can't do that again. He can't let someone else into his head.]
It's just not what I do anymore. I had my shot and I wrecked it.
[ Mako says quietly. She can see the pain in his eyes, and wishes things could be different. Her fingers drift lightly before she even knows it, tracing the lines of his face -- older, she thinks. Sadder; it's the face of a man who has lost everything but the smallest glimmer that she'd seen a glimpse of.
She doesn't know for sure, but she knows the way he looks at her, the way his passion leaps and burns under his skin, as if it's new to him. ] It can be different, this time.
[It makes him a little uneasy, but at least it's not tracing his scars again. There's not really much Raleigh can do to hide his scars, with what he does but he hates it when his customers pay attention to them. They're not sexy. It's not attractive. Here touch this instead, let him kiss you to distract you.
He reaches up to catch her hand, pulls it away from his face gently.]
[ She's still not taking no for an answer, not like this -- but she's willing to back off and to find another way to get through to him. There's still a few hours left of their time together, and she lets him guide her hand away before she leans in to capture his lips with hers.
She's being manipulative, she knows, because she's kissing him to distract him, to remember him for herself, and her hand moves to stroke over his shoulder, pulling him near. ]
[Raleigh doesn't answer that, just kisses her again. They do only have a few hours left, and he doesn't want to spend it arguing with her about whether or not he's going to come back to the Jaeger program. He's not, so there's that and what if they spent that time getting to know each other better. If they spend that time getting all they can get out of this.
He moves closer to her, moving on top of her again so he can kiss her better. Maybe he's manipulating her a little bit too, using what tricks he knows to distract her entirely from that conversation entirely.]
[ Mako kisses him back without hesitation, and even if he's supposed to be a complete stranger to her, it feels like she's known him; it feels like she wants him, when she fits in his arms and he is a welcome, solid weight above her.
Her hands coming to stroke over him, yearning to map out his body underneath her hands instead of waiting for him to service her. It is reciprocal, her touch curious, roaming despite greater agendas, and she sighs softly, shivering pleasantly against him. ]
[She's definitely more... considerate than most of the girls that Raleigh sleeps with. Hardly anyone is ever lacking for enthusiasm but Mako is certainly one of the more conscientious that she's not the only one in the bed and he's not a glorified sex toy.
Whether that's because she's new, and excited or because of the pull that he feels growing between them, the way she draws things out of him that no one else can.]
You have a few more hours. Anything you wanna try?
[ Because Mako doesn't believe in using hookers, because she sees him as more than a rank, his job, or a pretty face and an exceptional dick. No; Mako sees him as a real person, and it shows just as clearly as her inexperience.
She's intent to explore him, drawn to the attraction that pulses between them. Mako hesitates; her breadth of knowledge of such activities are woefully limited, and Raleigh catches her off guard. ...Anything she wants to try? Like what?
Awkwardly, she tries to fish for something that doesn't seem so painfully innocent. ]
You could... keep kissing me. Do you want to try anything?
[When he laughs, it's not cruel at all, it's amused and a little adoring and maybe a little guilty too because he knew this was her first time but he forgot what that meant, really. Or he assumed she knew more than she did, given how quickly she picked everything up, he thought maybe--]
Not about what I want. [Raleigh kisses her because she asked, once, twice, a third time.]
[ He's not charging her for it, so why does it have to be all about her too? She doesn't want to think too hard on the alternative -- Raleigh is good to her, sweet and handsome and so much unlike the defensive man she'd been with the other day.
No, he's all that she can ever want, and she strokes over his muscles, his chest, smoothing up his collarbone to cup his face because she saw that smile, the sweetness in the gesture. ]
I'm sure we can meet in the middle. Not you or me. What about 'us'?
[She's not playing by the usual rules, which is just making it so much harder to resist her. To lie to himself for a few hours right now and act like this is normal, that they met in the bar and flirted for a while and this is just a one night stand or the start of something and he's not a hooker, she's not PPDC.
[ Mako strokes his cheek, her thumb over his cheekbone, tender as a lover -- they both know how different it is, how the spark came alive between them made her feel. She shakes her head, before threading her fingers through his hair. Still, she presses her advantage, intent to know more, to understand him. ]
What do you want, Raleigh? What do you like? [ Has anyone ever asked him that? ]
[No actually, no one's asked him that and that's okay. That works for him, it works for his job. It means that he doesn't give too much of himself into anything.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
NO I LOVE YOU
Still. Good for her, he guesses. What else is he supposed to say? It's a hell of a ride until you lose half your soul and this is where you end up.]
Is that why you came to find me?
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Mako doesn't know what to make of it, decides that it doesn't matter when the fate of the world hangs in the balance, because there's no one else like Raleigh, no one else who could jockey the way he did -- mainly because the others were all dead, but still, he had been the only one to pilot a jaeger solo.
She exhales, choosing her words carefully as she meets his eyes. ] I'm here to ask you to return to the programme. [ A beat of silence, then. ] This... hadn't been a part of the plan.
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No, he's not going to do that.
He pulls away from her a moment later, the sheets fall to settle by his hips when he sits up and part of him is screaming at him to get up and leave right now, just end this right now but he's not a coward. He doesn't run, didn't even run from the Jaeger program, despite what it seemed like. He's not running from his mistakes, he's living with them the best way he knows how.]
... you won't be going back totally empty handed at least.
[It's a bad joke but he's just not letting someone else in his head again.]
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Her fingers tighten briefly on the sheets, but she sits up with him, too, holding up the sheet to her chest for a measure of decency even if he's seen it all, and had done much more. She's going to lose him if she doesn't say anything, and so she does: ]
We need you. You know what's happening to the PPDC -- do you really think the Wall will hold up against any one of them?
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My brother was still in my head when he died. I can't do that again.
[He doesn't say that she's the first person since Yancy died that he's felt any sort of connection to, any kind of spark when she touched him, that if he had to find another co-pilot, he knows he wouldn't have to look very far.]
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Then you know that we're all, at best, going to die. [ Mako says plainly, because the world is going to come to an end and no amount of sugarcoating can make that truth any sweeter. ] It's just a matter of time.
[ She reaches out, puts a hand in his to get him to look at her. ] You felt it too, didn't you?
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She gets her wish and he looks at her when she reaches for his hand, even if he doesn't grab her hand back, not just yet. He's hesitating, does she really know what she's asking of him. What she's more or less volunteering herself for.]
If it had gone according to plan, [and they hadn't had this, this glimmer of a connection. He gets why sex isn't considered an official way to test compatibility but it works the same as the kwoon or dancing]
How would you have tried to convince me?
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[ But Raleigh looks uncertain and she understands, even flush with the wonder of their connection -- and really, testing for compatibility via sex isn't going to work if you're related, or something. ]
You're not at all what I imagined, Ranger Becket.
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[Since he's not really a Ranger anymore, and what's the point of trying to be formal after what they did tonight. That's right, there isn't any. Not when he has the memory of of her moans in his ears and the ghost of her skin against his and his heart is reaching for her, singing her name over and over, this one this one, we want this one.]
Is it better or worse?
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[ And Mako can't help but shift under the new intensity of feelings, the pull of him and the way he makes her feel, and she's sure it's not the post-coitus haze talking. She pauses at his words, shaking her head because it matters. He matters. He's the one, and she's never known this feeling so deep and so true.
It's like she's found a piece of herself tonight, one she didn't know that she'd lost. ]
...Raleigh. Come back with me.
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And really, he knows who his co-pilot would be, she's sharing the bed with him right now, and that's even less reason to do it. They could be really something together but that would mean exposing her to all of the shit that he's done and she deserves better than that.
She deserves better than him, a washed up Ranger selling himself for food, slowly scraping away the tatters of his dignity until he doesn't even remember how to spell the world.]
... I won't. I'm sorry but I'm not going to do that.
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There's a flicker of disappointment when he refuses her, and a profound sort of sadness but not pity; but Mako doesn't want to let him slip through her fingers. Out of billions of people in the world, she thinks, she's finally found someone who could fit with her, physically and mentally, someone that -- in the expanse of a little more than an hour -- had made her feel things she hadn't ever felt before, physically and mentally.
How could she let someone like him walk away? ]
Why? [ She knows, of course -- but she wants to hear him say it. ]
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He can't do that again. He can't let someone else into his head.]
It's just not what I do anymore. I had my shot and I wrecked it.
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[ Mako says quietly. She can see the pain in his eyes, and wishes things could be different. Her fingers drift lightly before she even knows it, tracing the lines of his face -- older, she thinks. Sadder; it's the face of a man who has lost everything but the smallest glimmer that she'd seen a glimpse of.
She doesn't know for sure, but she knows the way he looks at her, the way his passion leaps and burns under his skin, as if it's new to him. ] It can be different, this time.
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He reaches up to catch her hand, pulls it away from his face gently.]
No, Mako. That's my final answer.
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She's being manipulative, she knows, because she's kissing him to distract him, to remember him for herself, and her hand moves to stroke over his shoulder, pulling him near. ]
I'm not giving up on you, Raleigh.
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He moves closer to her, moving on top of her again so he can kiss her better. Maybe he's manipulating her a little bit too, using what tricks he knows to distract her entirely from that conversation entirely.]
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Her hands coming to stroke over him, yearning to map out his body underneath her hands instead of waiting for him to service her. It is reciprocal, her touch curious, roaming despite greater agendas, and she sighs softly, shivering pleasantly against him. ]
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Whether that's because she's new, and excited or because of the pull that he feels growing between them, the way she draws things out of him that no one else can.]
You have a few more hours. Anything you wanna try?
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She's intent to explore him, drawn to the attraction that pulses between them. Mako hesitates; her breadth of knowledge of such activities are woefully limited, and Raleigh catches her off guard. ...Anything she wants to try? Like what?
Awkwardly, she tries to fish for something that doesn't seem so painfully innocent. ]
You could... keep kissing me. Do you want to try anything?
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Not about what I want. [Raleigh kisses her because she asked, once, twice, a third time.]
This is all you.
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[ He's not charging her for it, so why does it have to be all about her too? She doesn't want to think too hard on the alternative -- Raleigh is good to her, sweet and handsome and so much unlike the defensive man she'd been with the other day.
No, he's all that she can ever want, and she strokes over his muscles, his chest, smoothing up his collarbone to cup his face because she saw that smile, the sweetness in the gesture. ]
I'm sure we can meet in the middle. Not you or me. What about 'us'?
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Raleigh tips his head into her hand.]
That's not how it works.
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What do you want, Raleigh? What do you like? [ Has anyone ever asked him that? ]
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I want what makes you happy.