[Raleigh didn't make it a habit after his brother died to measure his life in things that he's lost. Tried his best to make his peace with it, with his bad decision and to move on from it and maybe he did a pretty crappy job of moving on, and was more stagnantly trying to forget how to live but this.
This is too much, even for him. This is crossing the line between too much stolen from him and too much to come back from. Part of him wants to blame Chuck because if Chuck hadn't been a stupid, fucking ass like he always is, he wouldn't have gotten hurt, he wouldn't have needed saving by Gipsy and Raleigh would've been fit to pilot her to the breach with Mako. But he wasn't, and not even Raleigh Becket can pilot a Jaeger with a broken leg so Stacker took his place.
No one came back from Pitfall. It was a success but both Jaegers and all four pilots went down with the effort and Raleigh couldn't do a damn thing about it except stand in the LOCCENT (because broken leg or not, fuck you guys, he's not weak, he's staying here to the end) and watch the signals blink out. Tendo looked at him, a silent question, knowing damn well that blank screen meant that Mako was gone, and that's two co-pilots and maybe he's fucking cursed or something but Raleigh pretended like he didn't see it and walked (hobbled) away.
If he was an insomniac before, he's a freak of nature now. Because Raleigh can't even remember the last time that he slept, knows that he has because he remembers waking up from nightmares and flashes of her smile and her fear in that alleyway in Tokyo and maybe it's stupid, he knew her for maybe two days at the most but that was two days with two Drifts and two kaiju kills and she was a part of him. As much as Yancy ever was, she was his co-pilot, the fresh breath of air that he's had in years and she's gone and with her, went Raleigh's will to keep going.
He's done. He's just done. There's nothing to keep fighting for, the war is over, the wall is abandoned and he's the lone face of the Jaeger program and he just wants to walk into the Pacific after her and be done with it.
His leg heals, just like his shoulder did. There's a row of scars from the pins holding his leg together to match the circuit burns on his shoulder and if you think about it, Raleigh's body is just a road map of a broken man who doesn't know which way to turn next.
He figures he must be dreaming now, or seriously losing it (and maybe that'd be okay too) because someone is curling up behind him on the bed, slinging an arm around his shoulder and pressing a small face to his shoulder but when he opens his eyes to look, he doesn't see anything. But it feels so real that he closes his eyes again and reaches out to where he feels her hand and fuck, he's totally lost it because he would swear he's squeezing her fingers tight.]
[ Dying is... dying is easy. It's quick, it's (relatively) painless, and Mako dimly remembers the anger, the fear -- and then it's finished and well, here she is, caught in between two worlds like a stranger looking in. She doesn't know what she came back, only that she's dead, and the knowledge of that breaks Raleigh into a thousand little pieces. There are no heroes in a world where people don't die, but that consolation rings hollow when she trails after Raleigh, inexplicably drawn to his heartache and his misery.
She tries to soothe him, she does, but he doesn't hear her, he doesn't see her, and she wants to say she's sorry that things turned out the way they did, but see, didn't it all work out in the end? The apocalypse is cancelled, and the world can rebuild itself again.
That should mean something, right?
Mako's still as much a part of him as she was when she'd been alive, and she wishes she could tell him that, too, no matter how small a comfort it is. Instead, she keeps watch over him, a silent witness to his pain.
Tonight, when he sleeps, she decides to make a move -- summoning all her willpower, she shifts to embrace him from behind, to offer him consolation, to let him know that she's still there. Her arms come around him tight, and her lips press against the crook of his neck.
She's sorry. She's very sorry she had to go where he can't follow, that he has to lose her, too.
And then he reaches to where her hand is, and even if she knows he doesn't see it, he's touching her, and that's all that matters. ]
Hey. [ She says quietly in his ear, hoping that this time he'd be able to hear her. ]
[The rational side of him (however small and ignored that side actually is, it does exist) wants to investigate, to know for sure if he's officially gone crazy or if this is a dream or even real. But he doesn't do that, instead he squeezes his eyes tighter like it'll make it easier to imagine her there when he really doesn't have to try that hard in the first place.
He can feel her hand in his, her breath in his ear, her lips on the back of his neck and right now, Raleigh doesn't give two fucks if he's insane because if this is insane, then he will gladly stay here.
Funny how he never really dreamed about Yancy like this. Oh there were nightmares and weeks of insomnia and guilt but it was never anything like this. He never believed that his brother was back.]
[ It could be a madness shared by two, and perhaps her presence is the sum of his memories of her -- perhaps not. Mako tightens her hold around him and isn't sure if he feels it. She isn't even sure if she even feels it.
There are so many things she wants to say to him, so many regrets with his name on it, because what could they have been to each other if she was alive? Would they have fallen in love, and had children together? So she smiles, too, but he will never see it, and she presses her hand over his heart. ]
I missed you, too.
[ Quiet, and Mako's not sure if she could ever leave him. ] I'm sorry.
[Raleigh makes a quiet noise at that, half a laugh, half strangled from the sudden desire to cry. Oh Mako. Oh Mako, he does not like hearing her apologize to him, for some reason. Maybe it's because they both know that there's nothing that could've gone differently, given what they had to work with. Maybe if he'd be in Gipsy with her but he wasn't, couldn't have been and she was never going to sit that one out. He didn't want her to and this is what it's come down to.
He's not mad at her, he's just... tired. Ready to throw in the towel.]
[ Mako listens to him quietly, silent for a long, long moment. This Raleigh is broken in ways she can't fix, and she closes her eyes, heartened that he could at least hear her, that he could feel her.
Mako doesn't let go of him, half-fearing that he'd shatter into pieces if she did; and where would they all be, then? ]
[His fingers tighten around hers instinctively when he hears that. Is that the voice of reason or is that really her saying it and it's already been decided that he's okay with being insane, so reason can fuck off but why. Why would she tell him that. He doesn't want her to go, he wants her to stay here forever, with him, just like this, even if he can't see her. He can feel her being there and that's enough for him.
He's a simple guy really, that Raleigh Becket. He just doesn't want to be alone and doesn't care for any of the other six billion people still living.]
[ Mako presses her face against his shoulder, and they can argue about whether it's really her or it's wishful thinking, an elaborate fantasy of a grieving man left with nothing. His longing is bittersweet and painful, a thorn in her heart and she aches for him, hurts for him because she knows he's grieving for her and there's no way she could let go of him.
He's a simple guy, and she's here with him -- for how long, who knows? There's no light on the horizon, only this, only his pain, and hers. ]
...Will you be happy with this? [ This half-life with her here, mired in dreams and fantasy. ]
[He's not going to argue it. All he knows is that she's here, he can feel her, hear her, and that's all that matters. The whys of it don't mean anything.]
Yeah. [Raleigh whispers, adjusting his grip on her hand and his cheeks are a little wet now, he's trying so hard not to cry but that's pretty much a losing battle for him these days. It's awful, miserable, bleak, terrible when she's not around. He says that he's tried to move on, hasn't really but can't summon up the energy to actually do it. Tendo tries, sometimes to get him to open up and move on but even he fails and there's no one left that has what it takes to reach in and drag Raleigh out of himself anymore.]
[ Mako is selfish, she's wanting, and the right thing to do would be to ask him to let her go, but she can't. She wants him, she misses him and maybe she's come to love him, and she's pressing against him in the quiet of the night; because she would willingly guard him forever and always, until he breathes his last and she'll take his hand and they'll be together again.
She's trying to brush his tears away, but it doesn't quite work, even if the ghost of her touch is evident. ]
[Raleigh feels something tickling at his face, reaches up with one hand to do what she's doing to do, and that's brush away the tears. Not that it really helps in the end, it doesn't stop them, doesn't clear up his voice any and he sounds a little hoarse as he asks.]
[ It'll hurt more when she tells him. First kisses, long walks, seeing the world together, the things she could never do again. ] You haven't slept well in awhile.
[It matters. It always matters. It matters because Raleigh wants all of those things. He wants to see the world with her, hold her hand, build a life with her, make love to her every night, share a pair of headphones and read a magazine together. He wants to curl up into her and never come back out. The fact that she's gone isn't really deterring him from that desire.]
Mako thinks she's weeping, too, because she might be dead but the way her heart breaks for him reminds her that she's not gone yet, not totally. She wishes she could fufill every one of those wishes, to give him the life he deserves.
She presses her face against his shoulder, her body pressed flush against his back. ]
[It's true, even if it is depressing. He turned into an insomniac after his brother died and that's really just gotten worse with the lose of Mako even if he wishes that he could just sleep and never wake up again.
This is better than nothing. It's Mako, as much of her as he can get and it doesn't matter if she's not even real. This is good enough for him.]
No. [ She says, so quietly that it could pass for a whisper. Mako wants him to rest, because he worries her, because she could never let him go when he's like this, or he'd join her far quickly than she'd like.
She stays with him, wrapped snug against his back. ] I'll still be here when you wake up. I promise.
[He can't rest. He can't fall asleep when she's here because he misses her too much. Raleigh's shaking his head against the pillow, stubbornly refusing to listen to her because... he doesn't believe it. If he falls asleep, he'll wake up alone like every other morning.]
[ Mako says, because while she can't see his face, she knows that he's most definitely lying. She's half-here, light as a feather and definitely not warm, a woman of little comfort in the face of a grieving partner, and not for the first time, she quietly mourns for what could've been, the happy hours, days, weeks, years that had disappeared for the both of them.
It's what people mourn, she thinks. It's what's most painful: all that lost days that will never be.
[He doesn't know. Raleigh doesn't have a plan besides don't fall asleep and milk this, whatever it is, for all it's worth, for everything that he can get out of it.]
[ Mako frowns; she feels less like herself, but then it's what death does, doesn't it? You're only a shadow of the person you once were, and she wonders if Raleigh knows that, too. ]
Not always. [ She smiles, just briefly. ] You could find me in your dreams, Raleigh. And always, in the Drift.
[There is no Drift left. The pons and LOCCENTs are all disbanded, packed up and put into storage. There's no need for them anymore. No one to use them either since there's just one pilot left standing and what kind of sick joke is that anyway.
A career based on working in pairs and there's a single one left.]
[ Mako can feel herself smile, a faint, gossamer thing that isn't quite there, and she hurts for him, pressing tighter and hoping he feels it, hoping that he knows the things she never got quite the chance to say. ]
[When he sleeps. That's a rather big qualifier and you know it Mako. He was an insomniac before Pitfall and after, he's not sure there's a word for how little he sleeps and how little he wants to.]
Why look for you in my dreams when you're here right now?
[ Mako says quietly, resting her chin on his shoulder. ] I don't know how much longer I'll be here for. For all we know, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
[He finally gives up on staying where he is, on just lying there and pretending that everything is normal and fine when it's not, she's saying things that remind him that it's not and he moves on to his back in her arms.
Raleigh would swear that he sees a flash of her, before he blinks and there's no one there. And he feels like crying because if she's a ghost or something he made up-- either way, she's gone.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ghost au.
[Raleigh didn't make it a habit after his brother died to measure his life in things that he's lost. Tried his best to make his peace with it, with his bad decision and to move on from it and maybe he did a pretty crappy job of moving on, and was more stagnantly trying to forget how to live but this.
This is too much, even for him. This is crossing the line between too much stolen from him and too much to come back from. Part of him wants to blame Chuck because if Chuck hadn't been a stupid, fucking ass like he always is, he wouldn't have gotten hurt, he wouldn't have needed saving by Gipsy and Raleigh would've been fit to pilot her to the breach with Mako. But he wasn't, and not even Raleigh Becket can pilot a Jaeger with a broken leg so Stacker took his place.
No one came back from Pitfall. It was a success but both Jaegers and all four pilots went down with the effort and Raleigh couldn't do a damn thing about it except stand in the LOCCENT (because broken leg or not, fuck you guys, he's not weak, he's staying here to the end) and watch the signals blink out. Tendo looked at him, a silent question, knowing damn well that blank screen meant that Mako was gone, and that's two co-pilots and maybe he's fucking cursed or something but Raleigh pretended like he didn't see it and walked (hobbled) away.
If he was an insomniac before, he's a freak of nature now. Because Raleigh can't even remember the last time that he slept, knows that he has because he remembers waking up from nightmares and flashes of her smile and her fear in that alleyway in Tokyo and maybe it's stupid, he knew her for maybe two days at the most but that was two days with two Drifts and two kaiju kills and she was a part of him. As much as Yancy ever was, she was his co-pilot, the fresh breath of air that he's had in years and she's gone and with her, went Raleigh's will to keep going.
He's done. He's just done. There's nothing to keep fighting for, the war is over, the wall is abandoned and he's the lone face of the Jaeger program and he just wants to walk into the Pacific after her and be done with it.
His leg heals, just like his shoulder did. There's a row of scars from the pins holding his leg together to match the circuit burns on his shoulder and if you think about it, Raleigh's body is just a road map of a broken man who doesn't know which way to turn next.
He figures he must be dreaming now, or seriously losing it (and maybe that'd be okay too) because someone is curling up behind him on the bed, slinging an arm around his shoulder and pressing a small face to his shoulder but when he opens his eyes to look, he doesn't see anything. But it feels so real that he closes his eyes again and reaches out to where he feels her hand and fuck, he's totally lost it because he would swear he's squeezing her fingers tight.]
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She tries to soothe him, she does, but he doesn't hear her, he doesn't see her, and she wants to say she's sorry that things turned out the way they did, but see, didn't it all work out in the end? The apocalypse is cancelled, and the world can rebuild itself again.
That should mean something, right?
Mako's still as much a part of him as she was when she'd been alive, and she wishes she could tell him that, too, no matter how small a comfort it is. Instead, she keeps watch over him, a silent witness to his pain.
Tonight, when he sleeps, she decides to make a move -- summoning all her willpower, she shifts to embrace him from behind, to offer him consolation, to let him know that she's still there. Her arms come around him tight, and her lips press against the crook of his neck.
She's sorry. She's very sorry she had to go where he can't follow, that he has to lose her, too.
And then he reaches to where her hand is, and even if she knows he doesn't see it, he's touching her, and that's all that matters. ]
Hey. [ She says quietly in his ear, hoping that this time he'd be able to hear her. ]
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He can feel her hand in his, her breath in his ear, her lips on the back of his neck and right now, Raleigh doesn't give two fucks if he's insane because if this is insane, then he will gladly stay here.
Funny how he never really dreamed about Yancy like this. Oh there were nightmares and weeks of insomnia and guilt but it was never anything like this. He never believed that his brother was back.]
Missed you.
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There are so many things she wants to say to him, so many regrets with his name on it, because what could they have been to each other if she was alive? Would they have fallen in love, and had children together? So she smiles, too, but he will never see it, and she presses her hand over his heart. ]
I missed you, too.
[ Quiet, and Mako's not sure if she could ever leave him. ] I'm sorry.
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He's not mad at her, he's just... tired. Ready to throw in the towel.]
Don't be sorry. You're here now.
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Mako doesn't let go of him, half-fearing that he'd shatter into pieces if she did; and where would they all be, then? ]
...I won't be here forever.
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He's a simple guy really, that Raleigh Becket. He just doesn't want to be alone and doesn't care for any of the other six billion people still living.]
Don't say that.
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He's a simple guy, and she's here with him -- for how long, who knows? There's no light on the horizon, only this, only his pain, and hers. ]
...Will you be happy with this? [ This half-life with her here, mired in dreams and fantasy. ]
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Yeah. [Raleigh whispers, adjusting his grip on her hand and his cheeks are a little wet now, he's trying so hard not to cry but that's pretty much a losing battle for him these days. It's awful, miserable, bleak, terrible when she's not around. He says that he's tried to move on, hasn't really but can't summon up the energy to actually do it. Tendo tries, sometimes to get him to open up and move on but even he fails and there's no one left that has what it takes to reach in and drag Raleigh out of himself anymore.]
I'll take whatever I can get of you.
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She's trying to brush his tears away, but it doesn't quite work, even if the ghost of her touch is evident. ]
...I wanted to give you so much.
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Yeah? Like what?
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[ It'll hurt more when she tells him. First kisses, long walks, seeing the world together, the things she could never do again. ] You haven't slept well in awhile.
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I haven't slept in like five years, Mako.
this killed me :(
Mako thinks she's weeping, too, because she might be dead but the way her heart breaks for him reminds her that she's not gone yet, not totally. She wishes she could fufill every one of those wishes, to give him the life he deserves.
She presses her face against his shoulder, her body pressed flush against his back. ]
I'm with you tonight.
i cried too :c
This is better than nothing. It's Mako, as much of her as he can get and it doesn't matter if she's not even real. This is good enough for him.]
That's even less reason to sleep.
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She stays with him, wrapped snug against his back. ] I'll still be here when you wake up. I promise.
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I'm okay. I'm not tired anyway.
[Liar liar pants on fire.]
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[ Mako says, because while she can't see his face, she knows that he's most definitely lying. She's half-here, light as a feather and definitely not warm, a woman of little comfort in the face of a grieving partner, and not for the first time, she quietly mourns for what could've been, the happy hours, days, weeks, years that had disappeared for the both of them.
It's what people mourn, she thinks. It's what's most painful: all that lost days that will never be.
Mako sighs. ] What do you intend to do?
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Stop sleeping? I've done that before.
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Not always. [ She smiles, just briefly. ] You could find me in your dreams, Raleigh. And always, in the Drift.
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[There is no Drift left. The pons and LOCCENTs are all disbanded, packed up and put into storage. There's no need for them anymore. No one to use them either since there's just one pilot left standing and what kind of sick joke is that anyway.
A career based on working in pairs and there's a single one left.]
That doesn't even make sense.
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Do you not have dreams, Raleigh? When you sleep.
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Why look for you in my dreams when you're here right now?
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[ Mako says quietly, resting her chin on his shoulder. ] I don't know how much longer I'll be here for. For all we know, I'm just a figment of your imagination.
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Raleigh would swear that he sees a flash of her, before he blinks and there's no one there. And he feels like crying because if she's a ghost or something he made up-- either way, she's gone.
She's really dead too.]
I hate this.
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