[He stops when she puts a hand on his arm, mostly because he interprets that as an order, and it's just a knee jerk reaction to obey. Years and years of this have taught him to do as he's told and not ask questions, to obey obey obey and he honestly hates that more. Hates that he can't even stop himself from doing it. Even with her, not all the time. Usually what she wants and what he wants coincide so well, that it's not even a problem and he's really not sure what he wants now except to try and pull the collar off through sheer force of will, or something.
Maybe Stacker's right about him. No, it's not a maybe. Pentecost is right. That he's ruined, he's disgraced. That he's stuck because not even that man's considerable reach can influence the Guild any and even if he did have the money, he's clearly not about to ransom a former mercenary.
Raleigh still can't look at her, even as he lets go of the collar. Doesn't shake off her hand because he doesn't really want to but he'd rather avoid her disappointment and anger if he can. Not really sure how that's going to work out but he's just-- going to try anyway.]
[ She's not disappointed in him. Mako can't be disappointed in him when he looked more miserable than she'd ever known him to look when Stacker tore completely into him and left nothing standing -- and she cannot begin to comprehend the indignity of his station right about now; his fall from grace.
And when he apologises something in her snaps, and she walks right into his arms, wrapping her arms tight around his waist because shut up, shut up, she doesn't need to hear any apology from him. He's almost bleeding from where he'd nearly gone on tugging that collar free, and Mako is silent because she can't find the words to say. ]
There's nothing you have to be sorry for. [ Stacker might think he's a disgraced, ruined waste, but that's not what Mako sees. He's more than that, to her -- he's so much more and she'd prove it to him. Even then, she continues, without rebuke: ]
[--oh. Some of this tension rolls away from his shoulders when she walks right into him and wraps her arms around him. Accepting without actually saying it, understanding without having to have an explanation. And he somehow loves her more, like a desperate little puppy, dying for someone to care about him, clinging hard and tight to the first person to show him that.
[ She knows. Mako is aware of what he needs, how deeply the damage runs even if she isn't privy to the specifics. The revelation of his past explains so much; the way he clings to her sometimes after they make love, or even when they're just cuddling, the quiet, desperate way he needs her.
Raleigh is a man not accustomed to being unloved and alone -- he'd survive it for awhile, but he wouldn't be alive, not the way he is when he's unguarded and happy around her.
She presses her nose to his neck, her hands rubbing his back slowly, soothingly; it's no wonder why he's so sad. ] I am sorry for what happened. For your loss. [ That he'd ended up like this, because slaves are not treated kindly, not at all. ] But don't hurt yourself. Please?
[No, they're not. And Raleigh's never shied away from that fact, but he got lucky with her. She's like the one silver lining from all of this, the moment of sunshine in the storm. Some days he can fool himself into that she outweighs all of it, that it's all somehow worth it just because he met her.
Today is not one of those days.
Raleigh's neck is throbbing, probably bright red and hot by now, even though he's stopped tugging at the collar.]
I would give almost anything to have this thing off.
[ Mako only grips him tighter. The depth of his anguish is indescribable, but she holds on tight anyway, her lips finding the painful-looking welts, yearning to sooth them, to calm him.
Today is the day where everything is shown with painful clarity, and Raleigh is paying the price for it. Grimacing, her fingers brush over his collar, fighting the hopelessness and the anger and the pain; she has to be strong for him. She must. ]
[Raleigh shivers and he can't really say why. Just that she would lean in and kiss something so ugly and awful but that's also an irrefutable part of him, something he can cover up but never quite ignore. And she doesn't care about it.]
[ Raleigh's right; she doesn't care about it, doesn't allow it to put her off loving him in her own way because she's come to be in love with every precious inch of him, no matter his failures and triumphs because it's all a part of him.
She huffs a quiet laugh and shakes her head. ]
I'll finish paying it off in a few years. [ She'd been paying triple his monthly rate for some time now, in hopes of a more expedited release, but it's still quite far off on the horizon. Seven years, maybe ten? ]
[ ...how can he say that he's not worth that when he's worth so much more than just money to her? Money can't buy the genuine smiles he gives her, it can't buy the way he kisses her, or the time that they spend together. ]
That's my decision to make, Raleigh. Besides, I have the money. It's not a big deal.
[ Because a part of her has always known that he'd react that way. The alternative is to have him be indentured for a longer time, and Mako's found that she couldn't bear the thought of that. ]
Because you'd react like this. [ She meets his eyes. ] I'll take care of it, Raleigh. There's nothing you have to worry about.
[Raleigh's not really sure how to take that. She knew he'd react like this-- meaning that he has a point? That she's just going to do whatever she wants anyway and aren't they over that already? He thought they were past that but apparently they're not.]
[ It's a bad habit, Raleigh -- Mako didn't get to where she is right now by riding on the coattails of the Marshal's paternal affection; she's always been aggressive, a go-getter. She tries, though. But sometimes old traits die hard and things like this happen.
[Well no. He doesn't really want that either. But she didn't even tell him that she was doing it because she thought he'd react badly. What does that say?]
[ It says that a part of her knows that he'd say no to that, and she wouldn't accept that answer because -- well, because she just won't. Maybe he has a point there. ]
I... didn't want you to feel indebted to me. [ Imagine how much more difficult it would be before they even straightened all of this out. ] Raleigh, I don't need you to pay me back. I don't need you to owe me a thing.
[Raleigh doesn't think of himself as a prideful person, a lot of his ego died with his brother but even then, it wasn't like he had to be right and do things himself all the time every time. Actually, he was pretty reliant on his brother for a lot and that was okay and it would still be okay with Mako if she wasn't making all of the decision for him and keeping things from him because she knew he'd disagree.
He gets it, the collar makes it complicated and he can't do a single thing to stop her. But she can't actually stop him from being irritated. Or feeling worthless.]
[ Mako regrets the words as soon as they come out, knows that she could have gentled them because it sounds far too harsh now. But look, the ends justify the means -- Mako paying for him is the most expedient way out of this, the best way she could keep him while giving him as much freedom as possible.
Mako had given him a comfortable life; Raleigh is allowed free rein of the base and beyond if he wanted while he bides his time for his freedom. Isn't that better? ]
Raleigh stiffens like a cornered bear, like he wants nothing more than to lash out at her but he won't because to do that would mean the end of him, it's crossing too many lines, it's taking liberties he's not allowed because he can't actually do anything on his own. Thank you, Mako for the reminder, he'd almost forgotten.]
I don't know, why don't you just keep on telling me what I'm allowed to do.
[ Raleigh looks like he'd just been slapped in the face, and that wasn't -- quite the way Mako intended for it to sound, not at all. She's just -- she's lost. It's the first time she's actually dating someone, and Raleigh being a slave just really complicates matters a lot more.
But now he's hurt and he's angry with her and she never meant for that to happen. ]
I didn't mean it like that. [ It's really, really hard, to swallow her pride and everything, but Mako's very much aware of the fact that she's really stepped in it this time, despite best intentions. ] I should have consulted you first.
[Because she's right. There's not a single thing he can do to earn his freedom, someone else has to buy it for him and he wants to be grateful that Mako's trying, that she cares enough to want to but it's so overwhelmed with the feeling that she's only doing it to prove another point. Maybe that's crazy and irrational but Raleigh's never really been known for being the most logical of people.]
Mako narrows her eyes, because what the hell, Raleigh? After all of this, he tells her he's got a problem with her ever since they first met? ] My problem since day one? What's that supposed to mean?
[Oh he's told her the problem before. He just made the mistake of figuring that they were already past it.]
Try and tell me that you haven't made all the decisions between us since the day Chuck threw me at you. And that you haven't tried to talk over me since then either.
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Maybe Stacker's right about him. No, it's not a maybe. Pentecost is right. That he's ruined, he's disgraced. That he's stuck because not even that man's considerable reach can influence the Guild any and even if he did have the money, he's clearly not about to ransom a former mercenary.
Raleigh still can't look at her, even as he lets go of the collar. Doesn't shake off her hand because he doesn't really want to but he'd rather avoid her disappointment and anger if he can. Not really sure how that's going to work out but he's just-- going to try anyway.]
Sorry.
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And when he apologises something in her snaps, and she walks right into his arms, wrapping her arms tight around his waist because shut up, shut up, she doesn't need to hear any apology from him. He's almost bleeding from where he'd nearly gone on tugging that collar free, and Mako is silent because she can't find the words to say. ]
There's nothing you have to be sorry for. [ Stacker might think he's a disgraced, ruined waste, but that's not what Mako sees. He's more than that, to her -- he's so much more and she'd prove it to him. Even then, she continues, without rebuke: ]
You should have told me earlier.
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Raleigh's quiet for a moment, leaning into her.]
I couldn't find the words.
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Raleigh is a man not accustomed to being unloved and alone -- he'd survive it for awhile, but he wouldn't be alive, not the way he is when he's unguarded and happy around her.
She presses her nose to his neck, her hands rubbing his back slowly, soothingly; it's no wonder why he's so sad. ] I am sorry for what happened. For your loss. [ That he'd ended up like this, because slaves are not treated kindly, not at all. ] But don't hurt yourself. Please?
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Today is not one of those days.
Raleigh's neck is throbbing, probably bright red and hot by now, even though he's stopped tugging at the collar.]
I would give almost anything to have this thing off.
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Today is the day where everything is shown with painful clarity, and Raleigh is paying the price for it. Grimacing, her fingers brush over his collar, fighting the hopelessness and the anger and the pain; she has to be strong for him. She must. ]
There must be a way.
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Yeah, if you have a shit load of money, maybe.
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She huffs a quiet laugh and shakes her head. ]
I'll finish paying it off in a few years. [ She'd been paying triple his monthly rate for some time now, in hopes of a more expedited release, but it's still quite far off on the horizon. Seven years, maybe ten? ]
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You're what?
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That's too much.
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That's my decision to make, Raleigh. Besides, I have the money. It's not a big deal.
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Why didn't you tell me then?
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Because you'd react like this. [ She meets his eyes. ] I'll take care of it, Raleigh. There's nothing you have to worry about.
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Don't-- placate me. You're talking over me again.
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Mako frowns. ]
Did you want me to just sit by and not care?
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You should've at least told me.
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I... didn't want you to feel indebted to me. [ Imagine how much more difficult it would be before they even straightened all of this out. ] Raleigh, I don't need you to pay me back. I don't need you to owe me a thing.
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[Raleigh doesn't think of himself as a prideful person, a lot of his ego died with his brother but even then, it wasn't like he had to be right and do things himself all the time every time. Actually, he was pretty reliant on his brother for a lot and that was okay and it would still be okay with Mako if she wasn't making all of the decision for him and keeping things from him because she knew he'd disagree.
He gets it, the collar makes it complicated and he can't do a single thing to stop her. But she can't actually stop him from being irritated. Or feeling worthless.]
You don't let me do anything.
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[ Mako regrets the words as soon as they come out, knows that she could have gentled them because it sounds far too harsh now. But look, the ends justify the means -- Mako paying for him is the most expedient way out of this, the best way she could keep him while giving him as much freedom as possible.
Mako had given him a comfortable life; Raleigh is allowed free rein of the base and beyond if he wanted while he bides his time for his freedom. Isn't that better? ]
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Raleigh stiffens like a cornered bear, like he wants nothing more than to lash out at her but he won't because to do that would mean the end of him, it's crossing too many lines, it's taking liberties he's not allowed because he can't actually do anything on his own. Thank you, Mako for the reminder, he'd almost forgotten.]
I don't know, why don't you just keep on telling me what I'm allowed to do.
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[ Raleigh looks like he'd just been slapped in the face, and that wasn't -- quite the way Mako intended for it to sound, not at all. She's just -- she's lost. It's the first time she's actually dating someone, and Raleigh being a slave just really complicates matters a lot more.
But now he's hurt and he's angry with her and she never meant for that to happen. ]
I didn't mean it like that. [ It's really, really hard, to swallow her pride and everything, but Mako's very much aware of the fact that she's really stepped in it this time, despite best intentions. ] I should have consulted you first.
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[Because she's right. There's not a single thing he can do to earn his freedom, someone else has to buy it for him and he wants to be grateful that Mako's trying, that she cares enough to want to but it's so overwhelmed with the feeling that she's only doing it to prove another point. Maybe that's crazy and irrational but Raleigh's never really been known for being the most logical of people.]
That's been your problem since day one.
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Mako narrows her eyes, because what the hell, Raleigh? After all of this, he tells her he's got a problem with her ever since they first met? ] My problem since day one? What's that supposed to mean?
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Try and tell me that you haven't made all the decisions between us since the day Chuck threw me at you. And that you haven't tried to talk over me since then either.
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