[Stacker Pentecost finally comes home and it's-- exactly like Raleigh thought it was going to be. He hasn't been able to tell Mako who he is, not through a lack of chances, it's come up over and over and each time, he thinks about telling her, opening his mouth-- and nothing comes out. He can't say it. He can't tell her that he used to be one of her father's mercenaries, that he made a mistake that got his brother killed and himself enslaved.
Dying would've been better, in the eyes of Pentecost and he doesn't hesitate to remind Raleigh of that.
He stands there, silent and tense, staring at the ground the entire time. If Mako looks at him, he isn't aware of it. She doesn't say anything and he takes that as permission to retreat as best he can. His collar feels like a lead weight around his neck, hidden underneath his turtleneck from plain view but burning against his skin anyway. A heavier reminder of what he is now, how far he's fallen. He should have told her, a long time ago, when she first woke him from a nightmare. When they sparred in the kwoon. When they became lovers. But he didn't, and the Marshal's anger is understandable, expected. He's not sure how Mako is taking it.
Not sure he wants to. Pentecost dismisses him eventually, and even though he's not technically his own, Raleigh takes the chance to duck out of there, doesn't look back at her because he can't. He can take the rebuke from Pentecost, because he'd always been so sure that the Marshal never liked him much, and that's he more upset that one of his mercenaries has fallen into something so shameful. But with Mako--they've fought so hard just to have something, a glimmer of something normal and he wouldn't blame her if she couldn't forgive this.
He'd understand it but it wouldn't make it hurt any less.
Raleigh heads to their room, since there's so few private places around the Shatterdome and he is sure that it's only a matter of time before this new revelation gets around the entire place and he doesn't want to be around people when that happens. So he paces around their her quarters, stripping his sweater off and tugging at that damn fucking collar until there's red marks all around his neck from it. He can't pull it off, can't cut it off, can't pick the lock-- and he's so fucking fed up with it.]
[ Stacker Pentecost comes home and all secrets come undone. He is furious, and Mako finds out why, that the bed slave she had taken in, had eventually made a companion and lover out of, used to be a mercenary under her adopted father's employ. Raleigh doesn't look at her, and that's a good call because a part of her is angry -- she'd asked him about it, had suspected something along those lines but he'd hidden it from her.
Now she knows why he's not like the others, and when Raleigh leaves at Stacker's express, terse orders, she finally understands. He bears the weight of Stacker's disappointment and disgust, because Mako and Raleigh both know the dislike he carries for indentured slaves; the shame he'd ended up bringing into the profession.
Raleigh was a mercenary that had caused his brother's death, had made a mistake that cost him his dignity and his freedom. The Marshal tells her this when Raleigh leaves, and it's a lot for her to take in. He tells her this, and says that she should turn him out, that there's nothing she could do with the likes of him.
Mako protests despite herself, and the worst is when she discovers that he's disappointed in her, because he'd expected better behaviour, that she wouldn't have gone ahead to sleep with a slave. Mako, gutted, had requested her permission to leave, unable to bear the brunt of his disappointment even as she's fighting to keep him with her because she'd seen him when he'd suffered from his nightmares -- knows that he kept his secret from her out of necessity.
A part of her feels betrayed, that he didn't trust her enough to keep his secret -- but a much larger part sympathises, and it's this much larger part that dominates when she goes back to her room and she sees him yanking at his collar violently, his throat an angry red and if he keeps tugging on it the collar's going to cut into him. ]
Raleigh. Raleigh! [ The door shutting behind her, she goes over to him to try to calm him down, a hand on his arm to stop him. She's not the only one who was practically decimated by the Marshal today. Her voice softens, and she feels the tears prickle at the back of her eyes -- not for her, but for him. How much shame is he carrying, when he's like this? How much more does he have to pay? ] Raleigh, no.
[He stops when she puts a hand on his arm, mostly because he interprets that as an order, and it's just a knee jerk reaction to obey. Years and years of this have taught him to do as he's told and not ask questions, to obey obey obey and he honestly hates that more. Hates that he can't even stop himself from doing it. Even with her, not all the time. Usually what she wants and what he wants coincide so well, that it's not even a problem and he's really not sure what he wants now except to try and pull the collar off through sheer force of will, or something.
Maybe Stacker's right about him. No, it's not a maybe. Pentecost is right. That he's ruined, he's disgraced. That he's stuck because not even that man's considerable reach can influence the Guild any and even if he did have the money, he's clearly not about to ransom a former mercenary.
Raleigh still can't look at her, even as he lets go of the collar. Doesn't shake off her hand because he doesn't really want to but he'd rather avoid her disappointment and anger if he can. Not really sure how that's going to work out but he's just-- going to try anyway.]
[ She's not disappointed in him. Mako can't be disappointed in him when he looked more miserable than she'd ever known him to look when Stacker tore completely into him and left nothing standing -- and she cannot begin to comprehend the indignity of his station right about now; his fall from grace.
And when he apologises something in her snaps, and she walks right into his arms, wrapping her arms tight around his waist because shut up, shut up, she doesn't need to hear any apology from him. He's almost bleeding from where he'd nearly gone on tugging that collar free, and Mako is silent because she can't find the words to say. ]
There's nothing you have to be sorry for. [ Stacker might think he's a disgraced, ruined waste, but that's not what Mako sees. He's more than that, to her -- he's so much more and she'd prove it to him. Even then, she continues, without rebuke: ]
[--oh. Some of this tension rolls away from his shoulders when she walks right into him and wraps her arms around him. Accepting without actually saying it, understanding without having to have an explanation. And he somehow loves her more, like a desperate little puppy, dying for someone to care about him, clinging hard and tight to the first person to show him that.
[ She knows. Mako is aware of what he needs, how deeply the damage runs even if she isn't privy to the specifics. The revelation of his past explains so much; the way he clings to her sometimes after they make love, or even when they're just cuddling, the quiet, desperate way he needs her.
Raleigh is a man not accustomed to being unloved and alone -- he'd survive it for awhile, but he wouldn't be alive, not the way he is when he's unguarded and happy around her.
She presses her nose to his neck, her hands rubbing his back slowly, soothingly; it's no wonder why he's so sad. ] I am sorry for what happened. For your loss. [ That he'd ended up like this, because slaves are not treated kindly, not at all. ] But don't hurt yourself. Please?
[No, they're not. And Raleigh's never shied away from that fact, but he got lucky with her. She's like the one silver lining from all of this, the moment of sunshine in the storm. Some days he can fool himself into that she outweighs all of it, that it's all somehow worth it just because he met her.
Today is not one of those days.
Raleigh's neck is throbbing, probably bright red and hot by now, even though he's stopped tugging at the collar.]
I would give almost anything to have this thing off.
[ Mako only grips him tighter. The depth of his anguish is indescribable, but she holds on tight anyway, her lips finding the painful-looking welts, yearning to sooth them, to calm him.
Today is the day where everything is shown with painful clarity, and Raleigh is paying the price for it. Grimacing, her fingers brush over his collar, fighting the hopelessness and the anger and the pain; she has to be strong for him. She must. ]
[Raleigh shivers and he can't really say why. Just that she would lean in and kiss something so ugly and awful but that's also an irrefutable part of him, something he can cover up but never quite ignore. And she doesn't care about it.]
[ Raleigh's right; she doesn't care about it, doesn't allow it to put her off loving him in her own way because she's come to be in love with every precious inch of him, no matter his failures and triumphs because it's all a part of him.
She huffs a quiet laugh and shakes her head. ]
I'll finish paying it off in a few years. [ She'd been paying triple his monthly rate for some time now, in hopes of a more expedited release, but it's still quite far off on the horizon. Seven years, maybe ten? ]
[ ...how can he say that he's not worth that when he's worth so much more than just money to her? Money can't buy the genuine smiles he gives her, it can't buy the way he kisses her, or the time that they spend together. ]
That's my decision to make, Raleigh. Besides, I have the money. It's not a big deal.
[ Because a part of her has always known that he'd react that way. The alternative is to have him be indentured for a longer time, and Mako's found that she couldn't bear the thought of that. ]
Because you'd react like this. [ She meets his eyes. ] I'll take care of it, Raleigh. There's nothing you have to worry about.
[Raleigh's not really sure how to take that. She knew he'd react like this-- meaning that he has a point? That she's just going to do whatever she wants anyway and aren't they over that already? He thought they were past that but apparently they're not.]
[ It's a bad habit, Raleigh -- Mako didn't get to where she is right now by riding on the coattails of the Marshal's paternal affection; she's always been aggressive, a go-getter. She tries, though. But sometimes old traits die hard and things like this happen.
[Well no. He doesn't really want that either. But she didn't even tell him that she was doing it because she thought he'd react badly. What does that say?]
[ It says that a part of her knows that he'd say no to that, and she wouldn't accept that answer because -- well, because she just won't. Maybe he has a point there. ]
I... didn't want you to feel indebted to me. [ Imagine how much more difficult it would be before they even straightened all of this out. ] Raleigh, I don't need you to pay me back. I don't need you to owe me a thing.
[Raleigh doesn't think of himself as a prideful person, a lot of his ego died with his brother but even then, it wasn't like he had to be right and do things himself all the time every time. Actually, he was pretty reliant on his brother for a lot and that was okay and it would still be okay with Mako if she wasn't making all of the decision for him and keeping things from him because she knew he'd disagree.
He gets it, the collar makes it complicated and he can't do a single thing to stop her. But she can't actually stop him from being irritated. Or feeling worthless.]
[ Mako regrets the words as soon as they come out, knows that she could have gentled them because it sounds far too harsh now. But look, the ends justify the means -- Mako paying for him is the most expedient way out of this, the best way she could keep him while giving him as much freedom as possible.
Mako had given him a comfortable life; Raleigh is allowed free rein of the base and beyond if he wanted while he bides his time for his freedom. Isn't that better? ]
Raleigh stiffens like a cornered bear, like he wants nothing more than to lash out at her but he won't because to do that would mean the end of him, it's crossing too many lines, it's taking liberties he's not allowed because he can't actually do anything on his own. Thank you, Mako for the reminder, he'd almost forgotten.]
I don't know, why don't you just keep on telling me what I'm allowed to do.
[ Raleigh looks like he'd just been slapped in the face, and that wasn't -- quite the way Mako intended for it to sound, not at all. She's just -- she's lost. It's the first time she's actually dating someone, and Raleigh being a slave just really complicates matters a lot more.
But now he's hurt and he's angry with her and she never meant for that to happen. ]
I didn't mean it like that. [ It's really, really hard, to swallow her pride and everything, but Mako's very much aware of the fact that she's really stepped in it this time, despite best intentions. ] I should have consulted you first.
[Because she's right. There's not a single thing he can do to earn his freedom, someone else has to buy it for him and he wants to be grateful that Mako's trying, that she cares enough to want to but it's so overwhelmed with the feeling that she's only doing it to prove another point. Maybe that's crazy and irrational but Raleigh's never really been known for being the most logical of people.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
that sex slave au ;
Dying would've been better, in the eyes of Pentecost and he doesn't hesitate to remind Raleigh of that.
He stands there, silent and tense, staring at the ground the entire time. If Mako looks at him, he isn't aware of it. She doesn't say anything and he takes that as permission to retreat as best he can. His collar feels like a lead weight around his neck, hidden underneath his turtleneck from plain view but burning against his skin anyway. A heavier reminder of what he is now, how far he's fallen. He should have told her, a long time ago, when she first woke him from a nightmare. When they sparred in the kwoon. When they became lovers. But he didn't, and the Marshal's anger is understandable, expected. He's not sure how Mako is taking it.
Not sure he wants to. Pentecost dismisses him eventually, and even though he's not technically his own, Raleigh takes the chance to duck out of there, doesn't look back at her because he can't. He can take the rebuke from Pentecost, because he'd always been so sure that the Marshal never liked him much, and that's he more upset that one of his mercenaries has fallen into something so shameful. But with Mako--they've fought so hard just to have something, a glimmer of something normal and he wouldn't blame her if she couldn't forgive this.
He'd understand it but it wouldn't make it hurt any less.
Raleigh heads to their room, since there's so few private places around the Shatterdome and he is sure that it's only a matter of time before this new revelation gets around the entire place and he doesn't want to be around people when that happens. So he paces around
theirher quarters, stripping his sweater off and tugging at that damn fucking collar until there's red marks all around his neck from it. He can't pull it off, can't cut it off, can't pick the lock-- and he's so fucking fed up with it.]no subject
Now she knows why he's not like the others, and when Raleigh leaves at Stacker's express, terse orders, she finally understands. He bears the weight of Stacker's disappointment and disgust, because Mako and Raleigh both know the dislike he carries for indentured slaves; the shame he'd ended up bringing into the profession.
Raleigh was a mercenary that had caused his brother's death, had made a mistake that cost him his dignity and his freedom. The Marshal tells her this when Raleigh leaves, and it's a lot for her to take in. He tells her this, and says that she should turn him out, that there's nothing she could do with the likes of him.
Mako protests despite herself, and the worst is when she discovers that he's disappointed in her, because he'd expected better behaviour, that she wouldn't have gone ahead to sleep with a slave. Mako, gutted, had requested her permission to leave, unable to bear the brunt of his disappointment even as she's fighting to keep him with her because she'd seen him when he'd suffered from his nightmares -- knows that he kept his secret from her out of necessity.
A part of her feels betrayed, that he didn't trust her enough to keep his secret -- but a much larger part sympathises, and it's this much larger part that dominates when she goes back to her room and she sees him yanking at his collar violently, his throat an angry red and if he keeps tugging on it the collar's going to cut into him. ]
Raleigh. Raleigh! [ The door shutting behind her, she goes over to him to try to calm him down, a hand on his arm to stop him. She's not the only one who was practically decimated by the Marshal today. Her voice softens, and she feels the tears prickle at the back of her eyes -- not for her, but for him. How much shame is he carrying, when he's like this? How much more does he have to pay? ] Raleigh, no.
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Maybe Stacker's right about him. No, it's not a maybe. Pentecost is right. That he's ruined, he's disgraced. That he's stuck because not even that man's considerable reach can influence the Guild any and even if he did have the money, he's clearly not about to ransom a former mercenary.
Raleigh still can't look at her, even as he lets go of the collar. Doesn't shake off her hand because he doesn't really want to but he'd rather avoid her disappointment and anger if he can. Not really sure how that's going to work out but he's just-- going to try anyway.]
Sorry.
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And when he apologises something in her snaps, and she walks right into his arms, wrapping her arms tight around his waist because shut up, shut up, she doesn't need to hear any apology from him. He's almost bleeding from where he'd nearly gone on tugging that collar free, and Mako is silent because she can't find the words to say. ]
There's nothing you have to be sorry for. [ Stacker might think he's a disgraced, ruined waste, but that's not what Mako sees. He's more than that, to her -- he's so much more and she'd prove it to him. Even then, she continues, without rebuke: ]
You should have told me earlier.
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Raleigh's quiet for a moment, leaning into her.]
I couldn't find the words.
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Raleigh is a man not accustomed to being unloved and alone -- he'd survive it for awhile, but he wouldn't be alive, not the way he is when he's unguarded and happy around her.
She presses her nose to his neck, her hands rubbing his back slowly, soothingly; it's no wonder why he's so sad. ] I am sorry for what happened. For your loss. [ That he'd ended up like this, because slaves are not treated kindly, not at all. ] But don't hurt yourself. Please?
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Today is not one of those days.
Raleigh's neck is throbbing, probably bright red and hot by now, even though he's stopped tugging at the collar.]
I would give almost anything to have this thing off.
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Today is the day where everything is shown with painful clarity, and Raleigh is paying the price for it. Grimacing, her fingers brush over his collar, fighting the hopelessness and the anger and the pain; she has to be strong for him. She must. ]
There must be a way.
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Yeah, if you have a shit load of money, maybe.
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She huffs a quiet laugh and shakes her head. ]
I'll finish paying it off in a few years. [ She'd been paying triple his monthly rate for some time now, in hopes of a more expedited release, but it's still quite far off on the horizon. Seven years, maybe ten? ]
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You're what?
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That's too much.
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That's my decision to make, Raleigh. Besides, I have the money. It's not a big deal.
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Why didn't you tell me then?
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Because you'd react like this. [ She meets his eyes. ] I'll take care of it, Raleigh. There's nothing you have to worry about.
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Don't-- placate me. You're talking over me again.
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Mako frowns. ]
Did you want me to just sit by and not care?
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You should've at least told me.
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I... didn't want you to feel indebted to me. [ Imagine how much more difficult it would be before they even straightened all of this out. ] Raleigh, I don't need you to pay me back. I don't need you to owe me a thing.
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[Raleigh doesn't think of himself as a prideful person, a lot of his ego died with his brother but even then, it wasn't like he had to be right and do things himself all the time every time. Actually, he was pretty reliant on his brother for a lot and that was okay and it would still be okay with Mako if she wasn't making all of the decision for him and keeping things from him because she knew he'd disagree.
He gets it, the collar makes it complicated and he can't do a single thing to stop her. But she can't actually stop him from being irritated. Or feeling worthless.]
You don't let me do anything.
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[ Mako regrets the words as soon as they come out, knows that she could have gentled them because it sounds far too harsh now. But look, the ends justify the means -- Mako paying for him is the most expedient way out of this, the best way she could keep him while giving him as much freedom as possible.
Mako had given him a comfortable life; Raleigh is allowed free rein of the base and beyond if he wanted while he bides his time for his freedom. Isn't that better? ]
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Raleigh stiffens like a cornered bear, like he wants nothing more than to lash out at her but he won't because to do that would mean the end of him, it's crossing too many lines, it's taking liberties he's not allowed because he can't actually do anything on his own. Thank you, Mako for the reminder, he'd almost forgotten.]
I don't know, why don't you just keep on telling me what I'm allowed to do.
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[ Raleigh looks like he'd just been slapped in the face, and that wasn't -- quite the way Mako intended for it to sound, not at all. She's just -- she's lost. It's the first time she's actually dating someone, and Raleigh being a slave just really complicates matters a lot more.
But now he's hurt and he's angry with her and she never meant for that to happen. ]
I didn't mean it like that. [ It's really, really hard, to swallow her pride and everything, but Mako's very much aware of the fact that she's really stepped in it this time, despite best intentions. ] I should have consulted you first.
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[Because she's right. There's not a single thing he can do to earn his freedom, someone else has to buy it for him and he wants to be grateful that Mako's trying, that she cares enough to want to but it's so overwhelmed with the feeling that she's only doing it to prove another point. Maybe that's crazy and irrational but Raleigh's never really been known for being the most logical of people.]
That's been your problem since day one.
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